Tort or Retort?

"Would you like to see the dessert menu?", the perky waitress asked? "Sure, and could you bring a take-home container for the rest of my salad?"

I perused the list of evil offerings. Almost any item would use up my entire week's bonus food points. Maybe I should just get a candy bar when I stop for gas.

I casually scoped out the other diners. Next to me two thin women were sipping their water with lemon slices. They'd finished their meal and there was no hint of  a double brownie hot fudge sundae or baker's choice cheesecake.

The shame set in. I felt too embarrassed to order anything. "Would you like to order something?" The waitress's voice cut through the chatter in my head.

"Yes", I said, "but I'm not going to." The waitress smiled at my clever retort.